Stephenson Family Ties The Barn Burnt Down
And Now I See The Moon

They say no
 plan survives first contact 
with implementation.  I'd have to agree.
from: The Martian
by: Andy Weir

As I contemplate my daughters plea to begin writing again…I ponder why it is that I seem to have lost the ability to put into words what’s going on in my life and in my head.  As you can see, I have attempted several times in the past…and failed to be consistent.  Im sure it’s a 100% a head thing.  I have been feeling sorry for myself for so long, that its now  extremely difficult to climb out of my head and the hole I made for myself.  I now resolve to  begin and to see the light again..and to end the addiction I have to my Instagram and Pinterest, and just do this…and be grateful to my daughter for the prod.
And because I love my daughter so, and I do so miss writing, I began a list of things I might be able to write about. 
-Baby Henry
-Annas birth experience
-Pams generously in taking me to California with her
-Joe and family
-Robby being a cop
Brian and Mericar
Etc, etc, etc
Then I wrote ‘climbing/weightlifting/yoga’ and tears came to my eyes. Im not kidding. I struck a nerve.
 So why not write about that.

Just writing the word ‘weightlifting’ struck a sensitive cord.  I miss Atticus. I miss that year spent in the gym with him and his passion.. I miss getting stronger and learning new and wondrous things about our bodies and what they are capable of doing. I miss watching him heal others through his knowledge of our bodies and how they work. 
I miss being personally challenged beyond what I thought I was capable of achieving. I miss that boy so much! Losing him was like losing an adopted child. Seriously.  My own kids may not understand this..but when one spends aprox 10 hours a week with someone…exposing weaknesses and vulnerabilities, you get close. I felt like I had become his second mom as well . Spending time with someone who pushes  and cajoles you to get you to do things out of your comfort zone, you build a real bond. This man was a healer and so gifted and passionate about what he did. When he left there was a gaping hole in my heart and in my life. A hole that  is only now, after all these months…a year beginning to heal.  (though I still cry when I write this this morning)  I was a part of something special…and I knew it…every time I walked through his door to the gym I knew it! I should have known better of course. It was too good to be true I suppose.  My personal, one on one training for an hour or more each day…was too good to be true.  But I was so grateful!! Everyday I knew I was blessed and lucky to have found him.  I miss it all. 
So Ive struggled  to find a replacement physical activity. I pray I have found it in “rock’ climbing. Rock is in quotations for I find it slightly humorous that this refers to climbing on plastic grips secured to walls inside a climate controlled building, and outfitted with auto-balays.  I’ll be mostly self -taught though, with a small smattering of helpful tips from the young kids that run the place and with added help and encouragement from Brian And Mericar.  There is no Atticus there…or at least I haven’t met him yet.  There is just no one like that kid.  (he was a beautiful mess and a wonder of a man, and I was greatly blessed to have known him)  May the secret desire that he might return someday drift quietly off into the ceilings of the rock climbing gym. I wish him well in all that the future holds for a talented guy like him, wherever he may be.

So there are My musing for this COLD December morning as I contemplate the yoga class Ill attend this afternoon…as I wait for my toe to heal…so that I may once again don the new climbing shoes my dear Builder bought for me last night. (hes so very supportive and anxious that I do find something to replace the weight lifting gym and the  excitement I had there- bless him!!) My goal—to get all with way up that dang wall!!  I will be storng again!! 


Jared + Carly Reid said...

Yay for Aunt Cindy posting!! I hope you keep this up! Miss you.

Anna said...

Oh mom I am so happy to see you writing again! And I understand about Atticus. I have or had a lot of the same feelings. You will get there I know you will and this will help. :) Yay!

Cindy Winward said...

I was sitting at my computer this morning, not wanting to do anything. I have a million things I could do but alas I am depressed. I need the sun as you do my friend. I miss "My builder" I love my new life, my home, my ward and my relationship with my Savior however, I miss my best friend Lane. I looked at his picture this morning and realized my life is going on without him. I will not forget, I will not forget......Anyway back to my thought, I was just sitting at my computer and decided to see, just by chance, if you'd posted something. What a lovely surprise to see that you had.
I'm coming to Logan on the 20-21st. We are doing a session on the 21st at 11:00. I would love to spend some time with you on the evening of the 20th is possible. I can come to you. Merry Christmas my wonderful friend. Please keep writing.