....Know When to Fold 'Em!!!

I was wandering around as usual, in

my unpleasantly populated subconscious..

from: I Capture the Castle

by: Dodie Smith

me -the scaredy cat!

I had never heard of an adventure activity called a trust fall before I went to girls camp.

I suppose boy scouts know what it is...probably social workers and psycho therapists know...

I didnt know.

And I almost missed the whole experience up there in the woods of Beaver Mtn with our girls.

At that time I went back to the camp site to help tear down some tents in an attempt to assist our trusty, valiant, priesthood leader. Turns out I wasnt too helpful- so he sent me back to be with the girls.

I arrived just in time to see the tail end of what the staff was calling a 'trust fall experience.'

I stood back and watched girl after girl climb the 7ft. Tower, (at least if felt like 7 feet!!!!) turn their backs to their peers and call

out, “ I trust you with my life!!” The girls below call back, “we will catch you ______.”(using her name.) The girl above then then shouts out, “ Falling!” She crosses her arms across her chest tightly, and clenches her butt cheeks so she becomes ridged as a board and she tips backwards into capable , waiting arms. It worked every single time!! Girl after girl fell backwards into the outstretched arms. It was a beautiful thing to behold.

Suddenly I found myself being persuaded to make the climb and fall. I went up the ladder with confidence. I've done plenty of scary things in my life. It didnt even look scary. Until I reached the platform. I found that as I turned my back on those girls, with my heels hanging over the edge and crossing my arms tightly across my chest and contemplating falling...

I froze

I freaked

My heart throbbed in anxiety.

My voice squeaked

Those dear girls beckoned to me.

They shouted encouraging words.

I tried and tried to muster up the courage-

I was terrified.

It didnt help knowing that almost all of these girls had done this!!

The pressure was intense.

I REALLY wanted to be able to accomplish this task.

I have no idea how long I stood up there balancing on the balls of my feet, sweating like I'd been hiking Angels Landing.

I took lots of deep breaths..believing that this would be the moment I'd let go and fall.

I have faith!!

I've gotta have more faith!!!

and...

I fell back....

and I fell apart.

I folded as I fell. (I dont know what I thought folding would accomplish.)

I broke through the waiting arms- because I folded. I fell through to the ground.
I wasnt physically hurt. Though I did almost hurt a few girls in the process.

Sigh

As I said..no physical damage done.

I almost did it- but almost isnt quite good enough.

I fell, but I didnt complete. I caved.

What does this say about me?

Im still trying to decide.

My pride is hurt. (You know that saying about Pride before the fall...)

My self-esteem suffers.

Do my girls think less of me?

What do I do with this new found chicken side of me!!!

I try and envision myself going back and giving it another try...

I still dont think I could do it...not any better!

Strange.