They say that in the hour before an earthquake
the clouds hang leaden in the sky, the winds
slow to a hot breath, and the birds fall quiet
in the trees of the town square. Yes, but these
are the same portents that precede lunchtime frankly.
from: Little Bee
by: Chris Cleave
Volcano hike this morning!
Glorious, invigorating, and over too quickly.
Have you noticed as I did the other day, that I stopped journaling here on my blog?
It looks like I petered out when our world came crashing down around our ears about a year and a half ago.
Im sad about this repercussion of change and heartache. I enjoyed sharing my thoughts and desires and wishes for myself and my family and the world in general. My blog is for my family- to come to know me, to understand what makes me tick and to have a window into my heart and soul. While the earth shifted under our feet, I can see now that I pulled back. A natural reaction Im sure. I ran for cover and emotionally holed myself up for it all. Well....I think its time to come clean. My/our hard times are what they are. And what they are doing is...
teaching me
toughening me
humbling me
re-prioritizing my life
For many months now I have been living and not knowing how things will end up for us. And this state of mind has caused me to feel as though I live in a void. I feel like a blank slate with who knows what to be written on it now. I have an empty feeling between my ears; an emotional withdrawal.
In other words...Im kinda a wreck. A private wreck.
In a way I've been an impostor of sorts. Acting all pleasant and bright on the outside...not so much on the inside.
Making lemonade from lemons...not my best talent. Or...maybe it is, BUT...Im just not cut out for making huge vats of it for storage!!!
How dare I complain you ask!!!!????
There's my amazing family
And their amazing kiddies
There's my amazing job
And my new calling with the girls
There's the sunshine that is the rule and not the exception.
Maybe what Im doing is not really complaining. For we all know that complaining doesnt do a bit of good.
So if its not complaining, what is it?
UNSETTLED is the word of the hour.
This "place" where we are- surely it cant be permanent. But just how long, I wonder, are we to remain here in this predicament?
Im getting old you know!! Along with my handsome Builder!! We had things we wanted to do and goals to accomplish.
Now we have found ourselves back at square one and finding that starting over is a bit daunting for us. I didnt expect this uncertain future at my age.
My list of expectations in life wasnt a long one. Never the less I did have one.
* a place of our own with a porch swing
*a chicken coop
* a garden to tinker in
* a great relationship with a travel agent
* a mission with My Builder
* and dare I say a nice car!?
* enough dough to cover the gray and to have the local Barnes and Noble keep rack'in up my reward points.
Truly you have to admit that Im a low maintenance gal!!!
What is an old hiking grandma to do!!??
Keep on hik'in and smil'in and gathering that gorgeous coral dust between my toes!!! Heaven forbid there not being that huge blessing in my life right now!!! It keeps me sane and busy!!!
So instead of what we expected...here is our reality right now-
*we have a golf course in the back yard (not bad- I know)
*we dont have enough room for cherished company
*we have a home thats not quite home.
*I have a car thats an embarrassment to me (pride before the fall!!! I KNOW!!!!)
* I have gray hair that alarms me
*and willpower to stay away for the bookstore-for if I wander in Im done for!!!
* and a future unknown
Please note- I have ALWAYS had full confidence in My Builder!! I've had confidence in a lot of things.
Today my confidence is wanning. (not in my man, but in the future)
Admitting all this in public is...............
suicidal
stupid
good
bad
selfish
Who knows!!!?? Probably all of the above. Never-the-less, Im putting it out there, in hopes that it'll open my flood-gates once again. For better blogging, better communication, as a show of honesty with myself and our situation, and finally as an act of faith.
I KNOW we are not alone in our trails and predicament. We all know that.
I love all of you who check in on me and my little blog. And now, knowing that you know that while Im gathering coral dust and reveling in my beautiful grandchildren and have food enough on our table...I suffer...I worry...a LOT...and I seek your best thoughts in our behalf.
There
Now you have it.
I promise I wont complain or share my unsettled feelings everyday.
But now I have been honest and that feels better- for now.
thanks Cheryl for the pic
3 comments:
Oh Cindy, I'm so sorry you are having to go through your trials...whatever they may be. I think being unsettled may be the most terrifying experience of all. To be able to depend on certainties is what gets me through most of my days.
I always feel like I'm on the brink of losing it all and we very well could any month. I absolutely have no control or say in our lives and it is the most stressful and helpless feeling. The unknown is always hovering in my mind.
I have only know you a short time but I already know and appreciate your strength and ability to look at the positive. If it's any consolation...you have definitely brightened my life and extended a hand when I have really needed it.
You are a bright spot in so many lives. I hope your life is brightened soon.
keep having faith aunt cindy! you and uncle bob are incredible and heavenly father will bless you!! heavenly father asks a lot of us but ONLY because he knows we can handle it. i love you!
Hi Cindy!
I have read through this a couple of times now and I want you to know how impressed I am that you were able to so eloquently put into words what you are going through and how you are feeling about it. What a hard thing to do! What a brave thing to do. We are so accustomed to keeping the tough stuff bottled up inside and keeping a stiff upper lip at all times (publicly and privately) that is was completely touching (refreshing even) to read your thoughts. I took some comfort in thinking that I might have a tiny bit of that incredible DNA flowing through my veins. Seriously.
I am so sorry you are going through a challenging time. I am sorry you are feeling unsettled. I am especially sorry to hear that you are suffering. Hang in there! Don't lose hope. Believe that Heavenly Father knows what you are going through and He will see you through.
I can sure relate to what you are experiencing and how you feel. I can completely understand why you would stop journaling here and replace that with collections of images that make you feel happy!
Reading this has helped ME more than you can know. I recently read a book that I can't recommend enough. It's called Snow Rising by Matt Baldwin. Run, don't walk to the library and pick up a copy. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll put my copy in the mail to you! It's really that good.
I love you Cindy! I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that your hard times are just about over! "This too shall pass."
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