Its Not Enough
Im counting my blessings today...out loud.
(though I won't bore you with the actual list)
WHy...
Because I have so many...because I dont live in an earthquake ravaged country, because I dont have cancer.
Because my list of what I do enjoy is so much longer than my list of what I dont enjoy.
I dont ever feel ungrateful.
but...
I dont know what to do about it.
Or what to think about it.
Will the guilt Im feeling today, cause me to wallow or to leap into action?
(guilt is such a strange phenomenon)
Where am I?
What am I up to?
Why am I HERE?
(notice that I dont ask 'who am I?")
What is my purpose?
Why?
Where much is given much is expected
What's next?
(please note that non of these questions have anything to do with questioning the Divine order of things. There is NO doubt in my mind that God is at the helm.)
But...
what Im feeling today is much like a newly formed grain of sand who lives on the best of beaches, among the choicest masses of sand, and wondering what I can and should be doing with all my good fortune; my blessings?
(Jesus wants me for a sunbeam)
Do I fall in the category of people who live in this world, going along their merry way, doing no harm, reaping blessing after blessing, being no more deserving than anyone else, but in the end, will I find out that I wasted 'it?"
That I havent done enough with my life, with my blessings, than what was expected of me?!
(sins of omission)
Im feeling that ache.
That gnawing in the back of my mind.
Something's up
Its not enough to just be grateful.
AND THERE IT IS!!!
(muse and write about something long enough and a particle of light will surface!)
Saying all this out-loud is risky. For me.
Like being careful what you pray for because its highly possible that you'll get what you ask for.
What I Know:
I do know from whence my blessing come.
I acknowledge that there's a longing, a yearning for something....
but that there is also a great fear in me that "it" just might happen, whatever "it" is.
Also, it is truly not enough to just be grateful.
Now what!!??
2 comments:
We must have been on the same wave-length today friend. I was looking up at the stars on my ceiling in the wee hours this morning (YES, I have glow in the dark stars on my ceiling!), and contemplating a bunch of what you just wrote about. Lots of soul searching going on....
You are so right that you should be careful what you ask for. If you want to do more, be more. . . he just might present you with a whole new world!
I know a little something about that :-)
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