We have the cutest little old lady neighbor who we hardly ever see. She works in her yard and takes care of her adult, mentally challenged son. She is a hard worker, nothing is ever out of place in her yard. We wave hello to one another and exchange small talk at the mailbox. Anyway, she just came to the door, bearing gifts-yes gifts-in the plural. I gave her a hug and kiss and thanked her profusely, and I told her she neednt do so much! Her response- "I just love Christmas. It's what I LOVE to do!" I believe her!! She's on our doorstep every year with gifts.
Here is the quandary:
1. Why dont I love Christmas this way?
2. If money were no object, would it help?
And so, in trying to attempt to answer my own unanswerable questions- here it goes. We HAVE had Christmas's where money has been less of an object, and... it didn't change my overall attitude very much. It may have changed the amount of gifts under the tree, but it didn't change how I felt about the tradition of it all.
Sweet Arleen from across the street gave us a darling crystal candy dish and a 2 1/2 lb box of chocolates. Very generous indeed.
Just so you know where Im coming from, this year our 'neighbor gift' is a small container of our hand picked and processed pistachios. (its a labor intensive gift) We could be tempted to be little squirrels and horde our cashe just for us!
I know all the rote answers to my 'problem.'
Its not about the gift, its about the giving.
Its about the love.
I know these things to be true. But its the attitude that alludes me. Thats what Im searching for. The- "I LOVE CHRISTMAS" feeling.
Where is it?
When asked what I do love about Christmas, my answer would be- the music, the get-togethers, the cards. Reflecting on our Saviors birth and the lights and even the tree. There you have it.
All year long I feel as though Im a terrible gift giver.My gifts lack originality and fun. With each gift-giving occasion, I long to be better at it. (And to think that one of my own kids' love language is 'gifts.' Every year I hope and pray that this child knows that even though I have this shortcoming, he knows that I love him madly!!)
When Christmas arrives I am overwhelmed and frustrated- is there a perfect gift for everyone I love? I wonder.
I know I have EVERY reason in the world to feel nothing but gratitude and thanksgiving for all my blessings. There are more blessings in my life than I could ever attempt to name. So why cant this knowledge translate into joy and excitement at this time of year?! Instead I almost have the sensation of dread and a longing for hibernation. (couldn't I just wake up when its all over?)
My sweet husband tries to understand and help-but he doesnt. His brain cant comprehend what goes on in mine. He doesn't get that anyone could feel as I do. He is generous and thoughtful-always. I wonder sometimes if he has it in him to take me seriously when I ask for at least one Christmas,if we could blow it off and board a plane with the family and go somewhere!!! I wouldnt miss the presents or anything else about the commericial Christmas, if we were all together as a family. I would be sure to bring the true meaning of Christmas along with us, and celebrate His birth! Then we'd just relish the opportunity to be with family and make memories away from the hustle and bustle and expectation here at home!
So there you have it. True confessions of a scrooge living among you. My ultimate wish is to have none of it. Just a trip, and no gifts,for we truly dont NEED a thing.
As a side note, you should also know that Bob, once again, does his very best to save the day in the end. We have a tradition, to take the kids and go shopping. Not for us, but for the local shelter. We will fill a couple of carts with coats and gloves and such, and with food items and then deliver them to the shelter. It of course is always received there with much thankfulness. Its a great tradition; and one that we'll never give up.
What do ya' think? Im a sick,twisted individual. Poor family of mine.
I'll always be searching for answers and I know how to put on a happy face. I am happy actually-if Im not shopping.
With all sincerity, I do wish everybody a very, very Merry CHRISTMAS! When I do put on my 'wide angle lens' on life, we are all so very, very blessed. Whats not to be merry about?!
Its a puzzle for me to work out. There will be no quick solutions. Once again, its all about the journey. Im just so grateful that I have all of you to travel with.
4 comments:
Cindy...I think you have the right feelings in your heart because so many people get 'lost' in the getting gifts and shine and sparkle of it all...and you really seem to be directed to the true meaning of Christmas which is the celebration of the birth of Christ and the blessings that all come along with that...family especially! I think it's a wonderful thing that your family takes a load of blessings for the people at the shelter. I still love you even if you are a 'scrooge' around my favorite holiday!!!!!
You once again have completely expressed my feelings.
I told Dave about what you wrote here, and how it echoes my sentiments of the season EXACTLY! I say these same things to him EVERY year. You have actually been the impetus to get us out of our meaningless (but once upon a time fun) tradition of exchanging names in the family, heading to the dollar store, and coming up with a $1.00 item for everyone whose names you got that year (5 people per year). It has been funny to see what people get each other (one year my Dad got 4 bungee cords from 4 of the 5 people - it was funny). But most of the stuff is JUNK and we throw it away anyway. So this year we are stealing your idea and will do something very similar for another family or families. Thank you! I LOVE Christmas - just HATE the stress, pressure, hurry, worry, etc. etc. I have been saying for YEARS "let's just go somewhere". And this year Dave said okay - let's plan it for next year and just do it. My dream? A cabin big enough for all of us to fit in, a fireplace, and snowmobiles to ride. Popcorn, movies, games, and a couple of days to enjoy it all. And maybe one year surf, sand, and sunshine (that's this year for Dave's 50th in January - but just the two of us!!!!).
I've decided you are writing my blog - our hearts are so much in tune that you could just write mine very nicely, thank you!
You are AWESOME CINDY!
I feel the same way about the whole presents thing . . . I already feel so blessed and don't really need anything. Getting presents is fine and so is giving, but i don't like to shop . . . its too much stress and worry. So I am going to say that you have put it perfectly. :) I totally relate to this blog!
Scrooge is definitely not the word for you! My feelings about this holiday were nicely articulated as your words rolled out on the page. I hate the fact that we are too busy trying to bye/make gifts to actually enjoy the spirit of Christ during this CHRISTmas season.
I want to do nice things for people but my feelings of inadequacy hold me back. It really is overwhelming trying to do everything all at once. I also have a hard time figuring out how to help my little girls understand that giving is better than receiving. Of course, that could be because I still like getting better than giving, sigh. :) Oh well, you're right, it's all about the journey ...Thanks for your insights!
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