Ordinances make possible our response  to God's invitation. 

{to follow HIm }We are enabled to formalize and consitute 

a living, dynamic relationship through a set of ritual 

preformances. We willfully and bodily participate in the forging 

of that relationship as a response to a persnal beckoning rather 

than an impersonal moral imperative. "

From: The Crucible Of Doubt

by: Givens

"Through baptism, we formally and publicly accept Christ's invitation to be our spiritual Father. Thus we signal our desire to be adopted into His family."

We have had two consecutive weekends full of beautiful family celebrations.
Beckham and Benjamin were each baptized by their good fathers, surrounded by many friends and family.....and  so many small cousins watching their great example.

Kids these days dont enter into this covenant lightly.  They are well informed 8yr olds.  Probalby way ahead of where I was when I took the step at 17 years old all those many years ago.

My official pic at the time of my baptism 1977

I love it when there is a room full of family and friends doing their very best to lean in towards God. Thats what Im trying to do this year.  Lean, lean lean in towards God.  (a Michael Jackson move going on in my heart here)
There's nothing quite so heartwarming as being among people who believe  and have faith that leening works better than not leaning...no matter how imperfectly.
Logan and Liam spoke at Beckhams baptism...and they did a mavelous job!! Kids these days just blow my mind.

Grandparents spoke at Ben's baptism...and old people rock and sometimes roll.
I am being constantanly awed and inspiried by the people I find myself in company with. We Stephensons are so blessed.
We love each other and find no striff or contention among us. I know this is a great blessing and even a bit unusual. It seems that we long to be together even. My heart bursts with gratitude in this.

But the secrets of the river, he saw only one today;

it seized his soul. He saw the water running and running

constantly running, and yet it was always there, was always

and forever the same, and yet new every instant. Who could

grasp this?! Who could fathom this?! He did not grasp or

fathom it, he felt only an inkling stirring, a distant memory,

godly voices.

from: Siddhartha

by: Herman Hess

What better way to break a solitary drive up North...to a predicted blizzard..than to stop at a local hot springs, in the middle of nowhere, in the company of a beloved niece and a couple of her boys!!??
It was so fun to soak for a bit and to meet some unique folks from all over and whom where going to all sorts of uniques places from there!! Belgium was the furthest adventurous traveler!! And what a kick it was to watch Brock and Max hop and trot from one pool to another, over ice rimmed puddles in the brisk, wicked wind and cold.  I for one could not bring myself to even bring one shoulder out of the warm water. In fact, I was horrifed in knowing that  I would eventually have to pull myself out and withstand the cold and make my way to  a near by rock where my towel and borrowed cozy robe awaited me. The spring just wasnt quite hot enough to make it pleasant to step out of and into the north winds.  But we did it!! And it was so worth it!! And now I can check off this experience on my bucket list!! Yipeee!! Thanks Jeni, for joining me!! Love you so much and your darling family!!

Do you remember my reference to a predicted blizzard at home??
Well this time the weather man was right.
We woke up this morning to snow caked  windows (a first) and drifts all over the yard and its still being added to as I write. Pictures cant capture the sound of the wind or the blinding verticle snow. sigh.

Reading is a staple of life,

like bread and water.

Or chocolate.

-Rhett MacPheron

Picking a favorite book from all that I have read this year has proved quite difficult. As you will quickly notice..This was the year of Non Fiction for me.  And for the more astute, you may notice that Im a tree hugging, adventure seeking, peace seeking soul.
But...if I use the same criteria for picking my favorite books that I used in selecting movies, then a couple of books rise to the top.
Which book(s) do I think about the most after having read them?
The answer is... THE HIDDEN LIFE OF TREES by Peter Wohlleben
This book has literally changed the way I see the world and the trees and forests in it.
I say- God is masterful!!
(God is never mentioned in this book...if I recall correctly..but He is there nevertheless!!)
I thank Peter  for opening my eyes even wider to the wonders of this world.  Anyone who loves the outdoors should read this book.  The trees in your back yard and on city streets or in parks or forests will never look the same!! Love, love LOVE this book!!

This second book was oh so difficult to put into second place.
TO SHAKE THE SLEEPING SELF by Jedidiah Jenkins
This is another book (like the one afore mentioned) that when you finish reading it...you pick it up and hold it to your heart and utter a prayer of thanksgiving for a fellow human that was so good and talented to write such a book.
Oh how I wished I could have done what he has done...ride a bike, from Cally to Patagonia. If I have a regret in life...its that I didnt go for more adventures or take more risks.  Jedidiah is a young man who learned to speak his truths out-loud, and to embrace the world, and even go it alone or with fellow humans was a true inspiration for me!! He writes like a dream and is a very deep thinker! I cant remember ever wanting to actually be someone else before...but I felt this a LOT when I read this book. He has no fear, no judgments, he loves his fellow man and is truthful in his  search for himself and for God...its all so inspiring!!

Lastly...I cant leave this list without adding two more books.
PILGRAM AT TINKER CREEK by Anne Dillard

Ive been enjoying small quotes from Anne Dillard from her book for years. But now that I've read the book from cover to cover I have a whole new appreciation for this woman and her love of the natural world. This is another fascinating book along the same vein as The Hidden Life of Trees, but I found it even more calming and restful in how she describes what she sees and does outside in her "backyard". Bugs and birds and streams and trees and worms will never be the same in my eyes. Every chapter is a science course in plants, and animals and entomology and weather and anatomy and human psychology ....all so easily learned at her feet. I found  it  a form of meditation reading/listening to her. This woman can write! She can see...really see! Anne can explain what she sees with great passion and with a deep love for this natural world. Here is another book that will change how you see this magnificent, intricate world in which we live and spin around on. We must open our eyes!!

And lastly...my very honorable mention...THE UNTETHERED SOUL by Michael A Singer
A beautiful book...about overcoming the ego, and learning to love and let go. Amen

And my favorite work of Fiction this year- ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT SEE by Anthony Doerr
Oh look!! It won the Pulitzer Prize!  What a brilliant story of a blind girl during WWII. Be intrigued!!

“It's not what a movie is about, 

it's how it is about it.”

― Roger Ebert

For a woman who loves to go to the movies...I sure didnt go to many this year.  (Now there's a good goal for 2020!)
Looking back I see  I only have 8 movies that I felt worth mentioning. And picking the favorite was a good, thought provoking experience.  
But if I MUST- my choice for a favorite will be Bohemian Rhapsody.  My reasoning ifor this pick is that I think about this movie the most out of the handful I saw this year.  I am haunted by Freddie and his life. And yes, I do know that this movie didnt portray his life in its true form. But I do know that he was a gifted and conflicted  and talented young soul.  I am tormented at times by peoples burdens and choices...Freddie and Michael Jackson to name a few of the many.  I love Freddies music...I have many of his classics on my playlists.  Rami did an amazing job of playing Freddie! And Im still kinda amazed at how the supporting actors looked so much like the characters they are playing. This is the only movie this year that I watched several times.  So that is why its at the top of my short list.

The other movies Im noting for the year goes as follows:
2nd- Aladdin- with Will Smith. This was such a pleasant surprise!! I went in with low expectations and came out happy and singing a tune or two. 

3rd- The Ballard of Buster Scruggs- Dark, Dark, Dark...not for the faint of heart. But I think about this one a lot too. Its course and also a work of art. 

4th- The 100 Foot Journey- Warm and delicious!!

5th- Ford vs Ferrari- very interesting, well acted and beautifully shot! Who knew that camera angles could play such an influential part of a race car movie!!??

6th- Downton Abbey- It was wonderful catching up with old friends!!

7th- Avengers Endgame- Laugh out-loud fun and adventure!

8th- Yesterday- fun, a unique concept and who can go wrong with Beatles music?!

P.S.- It has just now occurred to me that some of these movies may not be strictly 2019 movies. But guess what?! They were for me!! So Im counting them!!
P.S.S.- And I also realize that 2019 isnt over yet! Knifes Out is definitely on my list to see before the years out!

“I am reminded of an image...that living with a terminal 

disease is like walking on a tightrope over an insanely scary 

abyss. But that living without disease is also like walking on 

a tightrope over an insanely scary abyss, only with some fog 

or cloud cover obscuring the depths a bit more -- sometimes 

the wind blowing it off a little, sometimes a nice dense cover.” 

From: The Bright Hour

By: Nina Riggs

So I think we may have experienced a miracle.
Some may role their eyes at my use of the word miracle....but I really dont know how else to explain what has happened for Bob.
Laying all this out in numbers may be the most helpful in explaining.
Oct 1st- Bobs markers, the bad markers, stood at 4,888. Gulp. This raised more than a few eyebrows at Huntsman.
Nov 15th- Bobs markers stand at 188. That's not a typo. 188. I'll let that sit there a moment.
And sure, I KNOW the the people at Huntsman are carefully administering their  very best poison  for putting Multiple Myeloma "back to sleep" as they say. We are both confident and sure  and grateful in this.
But...to have his numbers plummet so low, so quickly...that is where an admission to a miracle may indeed come into play.
So very many people have been praying for Bob.
So many times have people put Bobs name on the temple prayer roles. 
And what about his personal prayers?
And yes...my worldly brain is a nasty thing. I cant begin to reason why these efforts, at this time, are met with a miracle-like answer, while others dont receive one. That is the grand mystery of God and our relationship with Him.  But today, this week, and for now on, this will feel like nothing less than a miracle. Amen
Oh how I wish I'd snapped a picture of our darling, incredibly competent PA, Grace, giving Bob a very enthusiastic high five!!
And once again, as I looked around the infusion center at all the full chairs of very ill people, and a staff of very busy nurses and the like, who  stop at nothing to make the visit there as pleasant as it possibly can be under such circumstance....I just cant help but feel a sense of holiness and unconditional love all around us. Thats a strange thing to say about a bustling hospital...but there it is...a truth I have discovered. You dont want to be in such a situation. But if you find yourself there, then you are blessed to hang with the likes of these sick ones and their caretakers. They have been through hell and back..and are refined and beautiful for it.

The thing about football- the most

important thing about football- is

that it's not just about football.

-Terry Pratchett

I really like the game of football. I have memories of watching football on tv with my dad. I think football was the only thing my dad watched on tv.  (I like watching football on tv...and watching basketball in the arena.)
Ive been protesting the NFL...with not much conviction of late...because of the bratty, self-righteous players...who are paid millions...for making something thats supposed to be fun into something political. But things seem to have calmed down a bit and Im now back to sometimes watching.
But what Im trying to do now is to get on board with a grand that is now playing football at the ripe young age of ten.  And I'll admit, when we've been able to attend some games...its been quite fun!! Ive found it even a bit enlightening....when Im not cringing with worry about him being hurt.  Im grateful for this sweet, almost docile child, who puts on a full suit of football attire and goes out on the field and runs and tackles and makes catches and runs plays!! Hes a full hearted player!! His mom is a died-in-the-wool football mom!! His dad is sometimes a linesman and is sure to take work off on game days!  Logan gets hit hard sometimes.  He gets hurt...and cries quietly under his helmet...but not once has he quit or given up.  His parents are emphatically encouraging but not crazed in their support.

Aside: when players are down...due to the wind being knocked out of them or being stepped on, or torked in the wrong way...the whole team "takes a knee" while the downed boy is being attended to. During Saturdays game I lost count of how many times they had to take  a knee. It is during these times that one cannot help remembering that these are just young boys...playing at being tough...and it is HARD! Yet they do it...and will continue to do this....until they really are tough!!
Logans team didnt win the championship game on Saturday...but they played their very best game of the season...and are holding their heads high!!
Gotta love Football!!
Gotta love our Logan!!!

We got through the day.  Bob is brave..stoic, and funny under stress. He charms the nurses and even the doctor a little.
Its boring to recap really. Just know that Dr S is hitting this cancer hard.  We discovered that the "cocktail" that I have been incorrectly   calling it,  is really a mild form of chemo.. After 4 rounds of 21 days each of this chemo ...its directly on to the bone marrow transplant. Gulp. Then they let his body rest for a hundred days before they'll do something call Immune Therapy.  Whew.
We've come home with a list of side effects to look for...with our fingers crossed that not one of them materializes. The phone has been buzzing with well wishes and texts are flying..all for my good man.

Today's miracle- Bob is dealing with needles...bravely...even the one they jabbed into his soft, tender, belly.

I started the day with some nothin' tea.

Nothin' tea is easy to make.  First get

some hot water, and add nothin'.

From: The Martian

By: Andy Weir

I dont know if I can do this.
(I know, I know...Im already whining, and Im  not the one with cancer. ...its not a good sign)
But I am dreading tomorrow... I'm thinking I'll barely be able to  muster the fortitude, courage, faith, and the patience I need  walk in that building , that has already become way to familiar, and try to listen to Dr S. tell me all the reasons why giving My Builder poison is a good thing.
These last few weeks have left me plenty of time to stew on things. For  Ive often gone though the many scenerios on how and what I would do if I was diagnosised with cancer...but I NEVER played out what I would do if the man I love were to get cancer.
Im scared, and Im mad.  ( My Builder seems to not experience either of these emotions.) Plus, I lack a full sense of confidence in the medical community right now...after last weeks' incidents with the radiology department. So how do I do this tomorrow...be a pillar of strength and confidence for the man I love?
I suppose I'll just have to lean on all the love and prayers that I know are being sent heavenward in behalf of Bob.
Notes of  encouragement and love keep streaming in to us...and they help greatly...
Like this one from my dear, dear cousin from Mississippi:

Cindy,

We've had a rainy, blustery day. In fact, we spent a good half hour trapped in the hallway under a mattress, fearing a tornado...again. Alas, we are safe. 

Those are nice words: We. Are. Safe. 

They're not mine, though. They're everyone's, at some time in life or other. 

I didn't realize you'd stopped blogging. I didn't realize where life had taken you and your family since I moved away. I didn't realize Bob had cancer. Until today. In the safety of my home, flooded with 5 inches of rain outside, and electricity and conveniences inside, my dad received a call from yours. Lots was said. I didn't hear it. It wasn't my phone call. 

But afterwards, Dad found me and Mom: safe, sitting in comfort, watching radars and storms swirling around our state. He broke the news about Bob. We stared at him. It wasn't real. Just like the storms wreaking havoc, ELSEWHERE. 

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to pray for in your behalf. 

But please know, y'all are safe. You're in gentle and loving hands that know clearly what's happening, more clearly than you or any scan or anyone else can. Know, too, that temple prayer rolls are sacred and strengthening to those who humble themselves to use their power. I've felt it and seen it in my life and the lives of my friends. 

Y'all are loved more than you can possibly imagine. Please know that. Please trust me when I say that. 

I hate you're suffering. I hate Bob is suffering. I hate that you're still enduring winter when you dislike it so much. 

But I know: Y'all. Are. Safe. 

Love, 

I'm planting  a mustard seed in my heart.
Today's miracles: A cousin eloquent beyond description. Plus sunshine and bees making love to my apricot tree.

"God put us here, on this carnival ride.

We close our eyes never knowing

where it'll take us next."

-Carrie Underwood

This has got to be a bad dream!!

It’s Friday... we’re having a delightful visit with my brother and sister in law who drove up here for the day to share Chinese food and My Builders expertise with landscaping. ( there was to be VERY little talk of the “c” word...it was a silent agreement between us... For all the  diagnosing has been done, all that’s left is the fight. )

P.S.S.- We are assured that we have no need to blame our Dr S.  He was just reading  what the radiologist wrote up.

P.S.S.S.- maybe I had better start a tally of the miracles and tender mercies we are experiencing here. Brent will be at the top of the list...but more on that later.

As to when I shall visit civilization, it will not be soon,

I think.  I have not tired of the wilderness; rather I enjoy

its beauty and the vagrant life I lead, more keenly all the

time.  I prefer the saddle to the streetcar and star-sprinkled

sky to a roof, the obscure and difficult trail, leading into 

the unknown, to any praved highway, and the deep peace

of the wild to the discontent bred by cities.  Do you blame 

me then for staying here, where I feel that I belong and am

one with the world around me?  

From: Heart of the Desert Wild

by: Everett Ruess

You cant know how very thrilled  i am to have red rock pics back up on my blog!! It feels almost as good as being out there among the rocks and sand...but in truth NOTHING can feel as good as being out there again!

Theres no way of knowing just how many times Ive been on the Slots hike in my hiking career. At least a hundred times Im sure.  But is had been at least 5 yrs since I've visited the trail.  I had my willing, patient companion in Clark...and off we headed to what I thought would be a most familiar trek.
The first bugaboo was discovering that the normal place that we have parked for years was no longer "legal." WHAT????!!  How can this be!!??  I tracked down a local  and asked what had happened, and why parking was no longer permitted.  He kind of rolled his eyes and said that things had kinda gotten out of control...too many cars, fender benders and law suits had made the citizens of the street feel that they needed to put up the signs. ugh
He told me that Snow Canyon had to put up signs too...prohibiting hiking where we have hiked for years. Sigh

Anyway...the short of it is that he directed me to a place to park and from there is was easy to find the familiar trail and begin the hike.

Oh how glorious it was to be out there!!

 Newspaper Rock with neighbors....

But alas....my aging brain found some places unfamiliar!! How could this be!!!?? I was sure I could have done this hike blindfolded!!
But there was no need for real concern. I do know this hike. I just did it a little differently than 'normal.'

For this being an "off limits' hike...we sure did see quite a few people enjoying the same scenery as we were and ignoring the same signs we were.

And may I also mention how heart-breaking is was to see spectacular , million dollar homes not 50 yards from Newspaper rock!?  People sitting out on their beautiful patios could easily see the petroglyphs on the rock!!  That just doesnt sit well with me...but Im not in charge of the world am I?!

Thank you Clark for going out there with me!

Cat tracks!!!

Can I just say ...how blown away I am by modern technology!! I ...little old me, has figured out how to get pictures off my phone for this here blog!! Thats crazy!! Im so grateful!! Im "grateful to Clark too...for his help and support...but this time I did this on my own!! yay for me!!

“Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!”

-Dr Seuss  

Christmas is most definitely my least favorite holiday.
And I believe I can explain this with a few short words.
unfulfilled expectations
commercialism,
disappointment


No matter how hard I try to change my mindset on Christmas...discontent rears its ugly head.

When ones love language is so NOT 'gift giving' , Christmas  becomes a little dreadful and a burden. When ones love language is 'spending quality time" or 'acts of service', then you can see that Christmas hasn't gone  well for me, (or my family) for many years.

My dream Christmas, since my family began, is to bag the gifts and go away, board a plane, or pack into cars, and spend the time and money making memories that will last forever.  (who remembers what they got for Christmas last year?) To not be buying gifts that will soon be forgotten, or that leave the recipient feeling less than satisfied...or wanting something different, or feeling that's its a lame gift, or that someones elses gift is better...and on and on... Its all nonsense and weighs heavily on my heart when I go to bed after the brouhaha of Christmas.
My simple solution:
Maybe next year will be the year my 'fantasy Christmas' will materialize.
Plane tickets for all instead of socks
Beach house instead of jewelry
Service instead of gift cards
Memories instead of electronics
No regrets or unfulfilled expectation, only joy and great memories.

PS- my kids are GREAT! This is not their problem or their fault. I was born this way.  MyBuilder is the bonified spirit of Christmas in our house. I would have thrown up my hands in defeat years ago if it weren't for him. Bless him!!

They say no

 plan survives first contact 

with implementation.  I'd have to agree.

from: The Martian

by: Andy Weir

As I contemplate my daughters plea to begin writing again…I ponder why it is that I seem to have lost the ability to put into words what’s going on in my life and in my head.  As you can see, I have attempted several times in the past…and failed to be consistent.  Im sure it’s a 100% a head thing.  I have been feeling sorry for myself for so long, that its now  extremely difficult to climb out of my head and the hole I made for myself.  I now resolve to  begin and to see the light again..and to end the addiction I have to my phone..ie Instagram and Pinterest, and just do this…and be grateful to my daughter for the prod.

And because I love my daughter so, and I do so miss writing, I began a list of things I might be able to write about. 

-Baby Henry

-Annas birth experience

-Pams generously in taking me to California with her

-Clark

-Joe and family

-Robby being a cop

Brian and Mericar

Etc, etc, etc

Then I wrote ‘climbing/weightlifting/yoga’ and tears came to my eyes. Im not kidding. I struck a nerve.

 So why not write about that.

Just writing the word ‘weightlifting’ struck a sensitive cord.  I miss Atticus. I miss that year spent in the gym with him and his passion.. I miss getting stronger and learning new and wondrous things about our bodies and what they are capable of doing. I miss watching him heal others through his knowledge of our bodies and how they work. 

I miss being personally challenged beyond what I thought I was capable of achieving. I miss that boy so much! Losing him was like losing an adopted child. Seriously.  My own kids may not understand this..but when one spends aprox 10 hours a week with someone…exposing weaknesses and vulnerabilities, you get close. I felt like I had become his second mom as well . Spending time with someone who pushes  and cajoles you to get you to do things out of your comfort zone, you build a real bond. This man was a healer and so gifted and passionate about what he did. When he left there was a gaping hole in my heart and in my life. A hole that  is only now, after all these months…a year even..is beginning to heal.  (though I still cry when I write this this morning)  I was a part of something special…and I knew it…every time I walked through his door to the gym I knew it! I should have known better of course. It was too good to be true I suppose.  My personal, one on one training for an hour or more each day…was too good to be true.  But I was so grateful!! Everyday I knew I was blessed and lucky to have found him.  I miss it all. 

So Ive struggled  to find a replacement physical activity. I pray I have found it in “rock’ climbing. Rock is in quotations for I find it slightly humorous that this refers to climbing on plastic grips secured to walls inside a climate controlled building, and outfitted with auto-balays.  I’ll be mostly self -taught though, with a small smattering of helpful tips from the young kids that run the place and with added help and encouragement from Brian And Mericar.  There is no Atticus there…or at least I haven’t met him yet.  There is just no one like that kid.  (he was a beautiful mess and a wonder of a man, and I was greatly blessed to have known him)  May the secret desire that he might return someday drift quietly off into the ceilings of the rock climbing gym. I wish him well in all that the future holds for a talented guy like him, wherever he may be.

So there are My musing for this COLD December morning as I contemplate the yoga class Ill attend this afternoon…as I wait for my toe to heal…so that I may once again don the new climbing shoes my dear Builder bought for me last night. (hes so very supportive and anxious that I do find something to replace the weight lifting gym and the  excitement I had there- bless him!!) My goal—to get all with way up that dang wall!!  I will be storng again!! 

We meditate to discover our own identity, our

right place in the scheme of the universe. 

Through meditation we aquire and eventually

acknowledge our connection to an inner power

source that has the ability  to transform our outer

world.  In other words, meditation  gives us not

only the light of insight but also the power for

expansive change.

from: The Artist Way

I cant put my finger on why it is that hiking inspires me to blog.  I miss, miss blogging.  I have missed, missed hiking.  Weight lifting is a gas...I really love it...but I guess there are no gorgeous vistas to photograph...no down time to just take in the scenery and to breath. Too many sweaty, straining faces at the gym...who wants to see that!!??

I am so, SO grateful that Brian and Mericar are in town now...for now we have plans!!! Lots of plans for hiking. I almost feel reborn.  Hopeful.

Today we picked a moderate hike...for we had grands in tow. Anna and David are rock stars! They toted those kiddos on their backs and in their arms most of the time!! Thanks Blacksmith Barbell for the strength training there!!

It was a beautiful Labor Day Monday. Even My Builder joined us!!  I think the grands would follow him anywhere!! Even up a mountain!!

William may grow up to be a rock hound.  He was always on the hunt to find a precious rock to put in his pocket. I believe the headboard of his bed is lined with such treasures.  He is our treasure!

 Did I mention that the morning was glorious!! The clouds...the tint of fall colors on  the trees in the distance.  It  rained  last night...and everything smelled amazing...the grass was bent over with the weight and coolness of the moisture! Perfection!!

 This little grand is a talker!! Hiking opens up his mind...even more...and he talked to all of us about anything...things that most four year olds dont articulate.  What a boy!!  Growing his legs stronger so he can be an even better hiker!!

And look what we found as the hike drew to a close. A lovely "St George" colored caterpillar!! He was a tickling treat!!